AOL owes me ten minutes and two seconds.

A while ago, my Mom asked me to cancel her AOL subscription. You see, she rarely gets online, and $20+ a month for slow dial-up service that frequently loses its connection isn't really a bargin. So, on 4/4, I called the toll-free number that I found on their Web site. To make the whole process easier, I just decided to act as if I was Mom, and here's how the dialogue went (well, as best as I can remember) :

Me: Hi, I'd like to cancel my AOL subscription
AOL: I'm sorry to hear you want to cancel your subscription, are you switching providers?
Me: No
[Pause]

AOL: Are you switching to broadband?
Me: No
[Longer pause]

AOL: Why are you cancelling the subscription?
Me: I no longer want the service.
[Very long pause]

AOL: You no longer want to use the Internet?
Me: Yes, that's correct. I just want to cancel the subscription.

AOL: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Let me open your account and review it. I see that you've only been using an hour or so each month.
Me: Yes, that's correct. I just want to cancel the subscription.

AOL: We have other plans that might fit better, for $15.99 you can have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And for $9.99 you can have blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: No thanks, I just want to cancel the subscription.
[Long pause]

AOL: Well, what did you use AOL for?
Me: To read the news.
[Long pause]

AOL: Well, are you familiar with Keywords and how they work? They offer you a quick and easy way to access News... blah blah blah blah.... You can also shop on AOL by going to blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Me: No thanks, I just want to cancel the subscription.
[Long pause]

AOL: Ok, here's what I'll do, I'll adjust your subscription so that you have FREE access for 30 more days. We won't bill your credit card for these 30 days. During that time you'll still be able to access the great features of AOL, including blah blah blah blah blah blah... Then, at the end of the 30 days, if you no longer want the service, just give us a call and let us know that you want to cancel your subscription and your credit card will no longer be charged.
Me: No thanks, I just want to cancel the subscription. I want it cancelled today, I don't want to call back again. I just want to cancel the subscription.
[Long pause]

AOL: Ok, please hold for a moment.

AOL: I've cancelled you account. By cancelling your account today, you'll no longer be able to access AOL to use Keywords, Shop, E-mail, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....
Me: That's what I want.
AOL: Ok, please hold for a moment.

AOL: We're sorry that you've decided to close your account with AOL. We have closed your account. Your confirmation number for this is xxxxxx. A confirmation letter will be mailed to your home address. This change is effective today. You'll no longer be able to access Keywords, Shopping, E-mail, blah blah blah blah.... If you change your mind, you can simply call us back to re-instate your account. Then you'll have access too Keywords, Shopping E-mail blah blah blah blah.... AOL offers a variety of plans to serve your needs, blah blah blah blah...

At this point, I figued it was safe to hang up, because I had the confirmation number.

I approached the whole process knowing that I'd get the "hard sell". I think that might be why Mom asked me to just take care of this for her. I found the whole experience to be HILARIOUS. With each sales pitch, I'd mute the phone and just giggle. Poor guy, I know it's his job, but that doesn't mean I can't have a good laugh. :-)

As it turns out, many people have had problems cancelling their AOL account. I'll be sure to check with Mom to make sure she received the cancellation letter and that her credit card isn't being billed.